Open Spaces
About nine months before Stephanie died, I was meeting with my spiritual director, and he asked me a question. The question was, “What do you want?”
This is a question Christians are sometimes hesitant to ask. We know the Bible speaks about dying to self and the importance of sacrifice. We are to follow Jesus and pick up our cross. Yet, on several occasions, Jesus asked people what they wanted or what they were looking for as they came to Him.
John 1:38 – Jesus asks two of John the Baptist’s disciples, “What do you want?” (or “What are you seeking?”)
Mark 10:36 – Jesus asks James and John, “What do you want me to do for you?”
Mark 10:51 – Jesus asks the blind man Bartimaeus, “What do you want me to do for you?”
John 5:6 – At the pool of Bethesda, Jesus asks the invalid, “Do you want to be healed?”
I spent several days processing that question and praying: What do I really want? At the time, I was tired. Very tired. I felt trapped by all the demands on me, especially as Stephanie continued to get worse and my responsibilities at home increased. As I talked to the Lord about this, three words kept coming to mind. One of those words was freedom.
I felt trapped and longed to be free, even if just for a couple of weeks. No work responsibilities, no one to take care of—just time to myself to do what I wanted, without being accessible or available to everyone else.
Now that I’m here in Spain and walking the Camino, everywhere I look, I see wide open spaces. Open fields. Mountains. Valleys. Cities and towns I’ve never seen before. I get to walk and explore these new paths and take it all in. I feel FREE. I feel ALIVE.
Even as I type these words, I realize that some of you feel the same way I did—and you don’t see a way out. Stephanie also felt trapped for several years. She couldn’t escape the unrelenting pain and declining limitations. She was trapped in her own body and couldn’t get away from it. There was no relief until she took her final breath.
Some of you have similar stories—and perhaps even harder ones.
Yet I would encourage you to pray and ask God for opportunities to experience freedom. Whether it’s total freedom or just enough to experience the beauty of God’s creation and be present with Him, ask the Lord for His favor. Even if it’s only for a few days or a couple of weeks, ask for those moments that bring you to life and remind you of goodness and hope in the midst of your challenges.
I’ve known for a long time that exploration and competition energize me. I love exploring, seeing new things, and having new experiences. I also like being challenged and pushing myself. On the Camino, both of these desires in me are being fulfilled—and I feel alive in ways I haven’t in years.
One day, we will be free forever and for all eternity. But until then, we must walk through trials, temptations, and hardships of various kinds. Life is hard. But the Lord gives us moments in time when we feel so fully alive that we get a glimpse of what it’s like to be in His presence for all eternity.
Ask Him for those opportunities—even if they’re only for a few hours, a few days, or a few months.
And when you get them—lean in! Be grateful. Enjoy. Remember, the pleasures on this side of heaven are temporal. Yet one day, if we know the Lord, they will be forever!
In a couple of months, my sabbatical will end, and I will be thrust back into the reality of daily responsibilities and limitations on my time and energy. But for now, by God’s grace, I am walking through wide open spaces. I feel alive. I feel hopeful. And I hope the Lord will give you an opportunity to feel the same way on this side of heaven.
Psalm 18:19 – “He brought me out into a spacious place; he rescued me because he delighted in me.”
